Funk with a capital F

And not like Funky - just FUNK.  I'm in one.  We got home from our trip to NY and NC late, late Saturday and Sunday morning I woke up and felt the weight of the world again on my shoulders. I didn't even feel like the relaxation of the trip carried over a bit.  It was a fantastic trip - we has so much fun and I felt like we were creating such fantastic family memories.  We all had a ball. And we got to spend some time with Grandpa Jim.  That was priceless too.
But stress and anxiety are riding at a high right now.  The blessing of a new van, even with 0% interest, is still the stress of more outgoing monthly money.  Financial worries are always there, especially since we are both self-employed. I don't feel like we have enough financial security and it gets worse as Mason gets closer to college!
Seeing Grandpa J, while fantastic, was very difficult. I was prepared for how he looked and the change in energy. I knew the kids would struggle with his hair being gone and his lack of being able to play with them. I still could not shake the feeling of sadness as I watched him out with us - it was like flashing forward 15 years to how he might be at the age of 75+ - feeble and aged.  I pray, more than anything that he has the chance to be HIM again, the time to feel good and do fun stuff that he wants to do. Like Margie has, thank God.

My mom was in the ER Saturday night and didn't tell any of us until Sunday - luckily it was just sciatic pain but she had not slept or sat down for THREE days because she was in so much pain.  

the miscarriages have been on my mind a lot - we passed the first due date from the first one (Feb) and now I'd be 5 months if the 2nd had hung on.  I know I'm blessed with my 3 beauties.  It's just there...

I feel like I've fallen into this pit of despair (or is it Woe is Me?) that is just hanging there - I can shake it for an hour, maybe 2 but then something puts me right back there -like another bill, a look around my house that is an atrocious mess than I cannot seem to keep up with, my lack of working out (which I know would make me feel better), my lack of being able to focus at work even though I have so many clients really relying on me. I am just disappointed that I can't pull it together at this moment. I'd love to have Oprah or Ellen or maybe even Dr. Phil "fix" me.  I almost feel adolescent again, listening to sad songs and crying. God, I hope this isn't menopause!

so I guess the saner side of crazy isn't as stable as I had hoped or thought.  Maybe next month.