Wee bit Morbid Post...

So, I'm having an outpatient procedure done tomorrow (more about why later) and the nurse called today to "ask some additional questions".  I've had a few o/p procedures done before.  This one I am a little more worried about.  Not sure why except that the nurse is asking about Living Wills (which I have) and how can we reach your husband and one of the "rare but possible" side effects of the pre-procedure medication is uterine rupture.  I know, disclosure, disclosure...
Maybe the fact that 40 is 2 weeks away scares me too - mortality. It's more like MORTALITY.

I am having this done because we (again) have another "non-viable" pregnancy (the 2nd since June - yes my eggies are old...).  But this time my body isn't taking care of business like it did last time.  Probably because I'm further along so my body thinks everything is a-okay because of the high hormone levels.  I found out I was pregnant a couple days after we returned from our NY Finger Lakes trip in October.  We had a 6 week check and ultrasound and saw the baby bean and a strong heartbeat on November 16th and all seemed to be going well.  I was feeling pregnant and sick as a dog.  Then a few days or so after Thanksgiving I noticed I wasn't feeling quite as sick.  We had a 9 week check/ultrasound scheduled for that following Thursday and as soon as I saw the baby, I could see there was no heartbeat.  If you've ever seen a baby/fetus on ultrasound, as early as 6 weeks or so you can see the flicking white beat of the heart. I think my doctor was just as crushed as we were.  She is such a dear and she felt so positive after we saw the 6w heartbeat.

But, we're doing okay and just having some highs and lows.  I just always think how blessed we already are with 3 very healthy kids.  I know too many people who go through this when they don't have kids already or have losses later (much later) in the pregnancy and THAT, I thank God, we have not experienced. I am very grateful for that.

But tonight I thought - damn, what if I die during this procedure? (that is the wee bit morbid part)  Certainly, stranger and more tragic things have happened.  What would I regret?  Oddly enough the first thing that came to my mind is that Justin and I have not had our annual "get the kids to bed, pour some spiked egg nog and sit by the light of the Christmas tree and talk" outing yet this year.  Maybe that should happen tonight just in case.

There are the typical and "of course" things like not being here to raise my kids, not having the opportunity to say "good-byes", never having jumped out of an airplane or bungee jumped (NOT!) but there are so many small things.  Example - I've wanted to turn the OH Youngers blog into a Blurb book for about the last couple years.  Something so that we have all our memories documented in written form (much like my scrapbooks should have been but then I lost the time to take that on - blogging is MUCH easier!). Not having spent a week on the beach in Mexico or St. Lucia reading and drinking tropical drinks with my husband or best gals. That really has to happen. Not finishing my current photo class. And there is always more wine to drink!

Lord have mercy if someone had to sort through all my crap.  They'd stab their eyeballs out because I have so much clutter and JUNK!

But honestly, I don't think there is much in my life that I'd regret.  I've  learned through the loss of friends and near misses like Margie's cancer, that you'd best live it while you got it.  I have made decisions about work and how I spend my days/nights/weekends mostly by my priorities - family and friends first with very few exceptions. I'm lucky enough to consider those I work with pretty damn close to family - and we have the same priorities so there are very few conflicts.

So, I'm sure all will be fine tomorrow. Just a little nervous - kinda like flying- though the fear of falling from the sky is a little more rattling to me than anesthesia.

If something bad does happen, make sure I get a cut and color...I'm long overdue.
Otherwise, let's have some wine together soon.