What I miss...

There are many things that I have missed greatly since Margie was diagnosed with colon cancer on April 16th. Here are a few...and I'm sure I'll miss some - I may just keep this a running list...

1. Peace of mind - my mind never seems to stop now

2. Friday's after work calls - hey come over and let's play some cards after the kids are in bed

3. The ability to check my email without 5-7 cancer related newsletters/emails coming in each day (but I can't NOT get them and keep up with the latest breaking news, so....)

4. An even temperament (okay so maybe it wasn't so even, but it was better than now - sorta)

5. the inability or the absolute "need" to listen to certain music on certain days - almost like a high school break up when I'd drown in Brian Adams music after a love went awry

6. the inability to drink alcohol, eat grilled food, walk on a fertilized lawn, nuke something in plastic or watch my husband smoke a cigarette without thinking of cancer and carcinogens

7. to be added...I'm sure.

I am still at the place where I just "want to go back" - I want the April 15th (even though I mailed out a huge frigging check to the IRS that day!) feeling back - nothing (for me) was life or death that day.

Randy Paunch died today - I had started following his blog right after his Last Lecture hit YouTube. I read his book and did (and still do), marvel at his attitude to the end. Fun - and funny. I don't think I could or would be so brave. I'd cry, bitch and moan the entire journey I image.

We've all had some really raw emotions through all this - everyone deals with the emotions so differently and mostly, we're all feeling the same way - though I cannot speak for Margie as the "cancer patient". It's funny (though not "ha ha" funny) how everyone deals with fear - some become immobile, some charge ahead and try to run the show, some ignore it and pretend it doesn't exit.

So there are "blessings" that come with cancer I guess - though I already knew I had a great husband, wonderful supportive friends and family and loved my life - so I'm not sure what else I've learned except that it doesn't just hit other families (though dad has had prostate cancer twice so we've been through this - it just wasn't the dreaded Stage IV).

Anyway, I should probably rename this blog Ramblings of a Mad Woman (I'm sure it's taken!)

Peace and prayers kids,
ckj